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Deep-Fried Cheese Movie Review: Jersey Shore Shark Attack (2012)


Jersey Shore Shark Attack (2012)

by Jason D. Grooms

In July of 1916 an unprecedented heat wave led thousands of tourists to the Jersey shore seeking relief.  But instead of relief, all they found was a tooth-filled horror that filled every newspaper in the country. The terror that filled the waters that summer launched a national obsession with shark attacks and even inspired Peter Benchley to write his classic horror novel Jaws.  It’s an event that is responsible for our modern obsession with Shark Week and the dozens of films about the deep-seated fear of being eaten alive by nature’s perfect eating machine.

So what does the Jersey shore shark attacks of 1916 and the incredible lore they inspired have to do with Jersey Shore Shark Attack (2012) the movie? Nothing you mook! This is the Jersey Shore. It ain’t about history and such the like.  It’s about
looking and being fabulous!

Nooki: “What didn’t ya understand on the ferris wheel – the part where I said I never wanted to see you again or the part where I said I was gonna cut your nuts off and set them on fire?”

It’s about the Jersey Shore with Nooki and The Complication and more guidos than you can shake a can of AquaNet at. This movie makes the Italian Stallion look like a polo-wearing poser from Hoboken. If you don’t talk with an accent after watching this movie, then you didn’t really watch it.

Paulie: “Hey, isn’t that Vinnie’s stuff?” [Pointing to a boat floating in the water.]

Donnie: “Which Vinnie? Vinnie Noneck?”

Paulie: “No bro. Vinnie Bananas.”

Donnie: “Bananas is in Florida bro.”

Paulie: “No. I mean Vinnie Knuckles”

Donnie: “Knuckles is dead. That must be Vinnie Bombatsa’s boat!”

TC: “Hey stunods. It’s Vinnie Crabs.”

“Hey bro. Is that a mojito? No yo. It’s Paulie’s show fro.”

Sure this movie has sharks in it but that’s just an excuse to give our gang of spray-tan gumbas something to do. The real meatball in this plate of spaghetti is the cast of Jersey-Shore-mimics dealing with life and preppies and what to do with all those muscles.

Our band of happy cannolis is Donnie, Paulie Balzac, and TC ‘The Complication’ who are smitten with their leopard-pant-wearing girlfriends BJ, J-Moni, and the indomitable Nooki.

Synopsis: Recent construction near the pier has disturbed an undersea cave containing a school of deep-water albino bull sharks that look like a fishy version those freaky red-eyed bunnies. As is always the case, our team of heroes tries to convince local authorities to close the beach only to be met with a volley of ‘get outta here.’  And so it’s up to them to try and stop the menace and prevent more bloody deaths from happening while also fighting to protect their pier from the evil developer Dolan and his douchebag son Bradford. The question isn’t ‘will they succeed.’  The question is ‘will they succeed with their hair and

“Help! The foam white shark from Shell World broke free and is floating in my general direction!”

gold chains still neatly in place.’  What do think, bro?

Paulie: “Yo! What’s a boat doin’ out here?” 

BJ: “Guys, why is it covered in blood?”

Paulie: “Aaah. It’s probably just spaghetti sauce. What? My father never went fishing without some spuntini.”

There are a lot of recognizable names to fill the bill including Tony Sirico (Pauli Walnuts from the Sopranos), Joey

Fatone (Backup singer to Justin Timberlake in N’Sync), William Atherton (Walter Peck from the Ghostbusters), Paul Sorvino (Paul Cicero from Goodfellas) and real life Jersey Shore cast member Vinny Guadagnino.

While this really isn’t what I’ve come to love in a CGI creature-feature gorefest, it is a lot of fun and will without a doubt hold a permanent place in my colllection.  The acting of our six main heroes is really good (and funny) and the guido jokes never seem to get old.  I’d call this a big ol’ heap of cotton candy rather than deep-fried cheese, but something you still can’t resist.  [It also doesn’t hurt that nearly every single injury or kill seems to come with at least a gallon of high-pressure blood spatter and a 10 feet of splash zone.]

The Jersey Shore and gallons of blood. Cinematic perfection be thy name.

If you want to take the viewing pleasure up a notch, make you and your friends a couple of bingo boards with every Italian, good fella, Sopranos, New Jersey stereotype you can think of and see how many of you get bingo by the end of the movie.  You can even make it a drinking game by taking a shot every time someone says “bro.” Although I take no responsibility for the alcohol poisoning that may follow.

Jersey Shore Shark Attack played most recently on the Canadian sci-fi channel Space on June 9th at 9E/6P and can be found on their website.



5 comments for “Deep-Fried Cheese Movie Review: Jersey Shore Shark Attack (2012)

  1. Jav
    July 6, 2012 at 9:43 am

    Best part, was when Joey Fatone ate it on the pier. Oh where’s the spoiler alert now???

  2. July 9, 2012 at 7:06 am


    — Sincerely, The Spoiler Alert Guy

  3. October 3, 2012 at 5:49 am

    Fellow Forgotten Flix enthusiast Aaron “Point” Pointon bought this on DVD recently and we watched it at the weekend. We even talked my wife into it. Joey Fat One was her least favourite *NSYNC dude but it was enough to sit her down in front of the telly for an hour and a half. There were some fairly funny moments – especially when they mention how small that guy is.
    The only let-down is that the real story, the heart and essence of the movie – Nooki and The Complication’s romance – took a back chair to the killings and attacks.

  4. Graham Brossett
    November 17, 2012 at 9:21 pm

    Whenever i have red eyes, it is mostly caused by irritation. It is a good idea to clean your eyes regulary. ;

    Most up to date article produced by our very own web blog

  5. T
    November 26, 2012 at 11:29 am

    Stupidest effing movie ever. I was seriously imbarresed for the cast lol. Sooo cheesy!

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