by Jason D. Grooms
In July of 1916 an unprecedented heat wave led thousands of tourists to the Jersey shore seeking relief. But instead of relief, all they found was a tooth-filled horror that filled every newspaper in the country. The terror that filled the waters that summer launched a national obsession with shark attacks and even inspired Peter Benchley to write his classic horror novel Jaws. It’s an event that is responsible for our modern obsession with Shark Week and the dozens of films about the deep-seated fear of being eaten alive by nature’s perfect eating machine.
So what does the Jersey shore shark attacks of 1916 and the incredible lore they inspired have to do with Jersey Shore Shark Attack (2012) the movie? Nothing you mook! This is the Jersey Shore. It ain’t about history and such the like. It’s about
looking and being fabulous!
It’s about the Jersey Shore with Nooki and The Complication and more guidos than you can shake a can of AquaNet at. This movie makes the Italian Stallion look like a polo-wearing poser from Hoboken. If you don’t talk with an accent after watching this movie, then you didn’t really watch it.
Paulie: “Hey, isn’t that Vinnie’s stuff?” [Pointing to a boat floating in the water.]
Donnie: “Which Vinnie? Vinnie Noneck?”
Paulie: “No bro. Vinnie Bananas.”
Donnie: “Bananas is in Florida bro.”
Paulie: “No. I mean Vinnie Knuckles”
Donnie: “Knuckles is dead. That must be Vinnie Bombatsa’s boat!”
TC: “Hey stunods. It’s Vinnie Crabs.”
Sure this movie has sharks in it but that’s just an excuse to give our gang of spray-tan gumbas something to do. The real meatball in this plate of spaghetti is the cast of Jersey-Shore-mimics dealing with life and preppies and what to do with all those muscles.
Our band of happy cannolis is Donnie, Paulie Balzac, and TC ‘The Complication’ who are smitten with their leopard-pant-wearing girlfriends BJ, J-Moni, and the indomitable Nooki.
Synopsis: Recent construction near the pier has disturbed an undersea cave containing a school of deep-water albino bull sharks that look like a fishy version those freaky red-eyed bunnies. As is always the case, our team of heroes tries to convince local authorities to close the beach only to be met with a volley of ‘get outta here.’ And so it’s up to them to try and stop the menace and prevent more bloody deaths from happening while also fighting to protect their pier from the evil developer Dolan and his douchebag son Bradford. The question isn’t ‘will they succeed.’ The question is ‘will they succeed with their hair and
gold chains still neatly in place.’ What do think, bro?
Paulie: “Yo! What’s a boat doin’ out here?”
BJ: “Guys, why is it covered in blood?”
Paulie: “Aaah. It’s probably just spaghetti sauce. What? My father never went fishing without some spuntini.”
There are a lot of recognizable names to fill the bill including Tony Sirico (Pauli Walnuts from the Sopranos), Joey
Fatone (Backup singer to Justin Timberlake in N’Sync), William Atherton (Walter Peck from the Ghostbusters), Paul Sorvino (Paul Cicero from Goodfellas) and real life Jersey Shore cast member Vinny Guadagnino.
While this really isn’t what I’ve come to love in a CGI creature-feature gorefest, it is a lot of fun and will without a doubt hold a permanent place in my colllection. The acting of our six main heroes is really good (and funny) and the guido jokes never seem to get old. I’d call this a big ol’ heap of cotton candy rather than deep-fried cheese, but something you still can’t resist. [It also doesn't hurt that nearly every single injury or kill seems to come with at least a gallon of high-pressure blood spatter and a 10 feet of splash zone.]
If you want to take the viewing pleasure up a notch, make you and your friends a couple of bingo boards with every Italian, good fella, Sopranos, New Jersey stereotype you can think of and see how many of you get bingo by the end of the movie. You can even make it a drinking game by taking a shot every time someone says “bro.” Although I take no responsibility for the alcohol poisoning that may follow.