by Dave Umbricht (aka The Quizmaster)
The image of the “Horror Icons” is provided courtesy of Kevin Spencer. Check out more of his amazing movie-related and genre art, by clicking on the image or going to inkspatters.com!
You all are a very scary lot.
I say this with the utmost pride (and before I’ve even assigned a score to your personalities). Now here’s your chance to find out how frightening you truly are.
The scoring methodology was developed by a group of world renowned scientists (Dr. Brundle, Dr. Giggles, and the Abominable Dr. Phibes).
Add up your score based on the following template to find out why little children flee from you.
1. Frankenstein’s monster, Dracula, or the Mummy?
+1 for Frankenstein’s Monster.
Of course, when I say Frankenstein’s monster, I mean the Karloff incarnation.
-2 if you were thinking of De Niro’s portrayal.
+2 for Dracula
+3 if you were thinking of George Hamilton’s take on the character.
-5 for Wolfman
I mean really, the guy only changes with a full moon. Pretty simple to stay alive, folks, don’t go out during a full moon and you’ll be fine.
-10 if you thought a Mummy should be the answer.
When was the last time you watched a mummy movie? The mummy is never the bad guy, he’s just used as the henchman for a love struck priest on vacation. That’s generally the plot. Try to steal someone’s woman via the use of a cursed undead creature. Moving on.
+5 if you thought it should be the Creature from the Black Lagoon.
2. Bela Lugosi or Christopher Lee?
+1 for Bela Lugosi
The iconic and only true Dracula. Also, Martin Landau won an Oscar for playing him in Ed Wood.
0 for Christopher Lee
I’m sorry, but he’s been in so many films that his true menace has been diminished. He’s more like my fictional great uncle who snorts four lines of coke before every Christmas dinner.
3. Haunted house or possessed child?
+1 for Haunted House
It is difficult, but there always seems to be a way to escape a haunted house. Usually, it entails pacifying a restless spirit.
+3 for possessed child, which is something of a redundant statement.
Much like non-possessed children, they are relentless. On top of that, they generally sucker their victims by seeming cute and innocent. And could you kill a child? Even if you knew it is no longer an actual human, but some evil creature? At the very least, you would pause for a second. And as my driver’s ed. Teacher would say, “He who hesitates is lost.” (Of course, he referred to accelerating onto the highway on-ramp, not taking an axe to Satan’s spawn.)
4. Wes Craven or Dario Argento?
+1 for Wes Craven
He who gave us Nightmare (and New Nightmare), Scream, and Red Eye (let’s pretend Last House on the Left didn’t happen [Editor’s Note: And don’t forget The People Under the Stairs!).
0 for Argento
He gets +1 for Goblin and creating Asia Argento. But loses one cause I don’t get the love of his movies. Just not my thing (and by “my thing,” I really mean the theorem written by Dr. Phibes that this scorecard is scientifically based upon).
5. Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees?
+1 Michael Myers
The coolest cat out there. He was just there and you ran into him. Really, he was plain evil. I don’t believe he can really be explained.
0 for Jason
I don’t respect mamma’s boys. He started out dead. Always been dead to me.
6. Fast Zombies or Slow Zombies?
+1 for Slow Zombies
The world’s too fast as it is. When I’m dead, I’ll need a nap.
+5 for Fast Zombies
Slow zombies is the correct answer, but you are one nihilistic bastard if you opt for speedy ones. A zombie apocalypse is hard enough to survive (since zombies act like relentless little children), add quickness and it is impossible to win.
7. Best found footage horror film?
+1 for Blair Witch
The first and the “best”. Not only did it highlight the strengths of the subgenre, but it also established the limitations. In this case, nothing happened until the night. The audience knew that, which led to a lot of wasted time. (For the record Blair Witch 2 is a pretty solid film, albeit not really found footage [Editor’s Note: Blair Witch 2 was only one of two movies I’ve ever walked out of. It’s awful!).
0 for The Last Exorcism
The genre is over-saturated and often attempts to be way too clever, but there’s enough good here to outweigh its flaws.
+5 for REC and REC 2
I almost forgot about these Spanish-horror gems until Will mentioned them in the comments. If you get nothing out of taking this test, please watch both of these films this Halloween. Both are great takes on both the found footage and zombie genres.
-3 for anything else
8. Creepiest inanimate object?
+1 for a doll
+2 for a ventriloquist dummy
Ventriloquists are a bit touched to begin with, when the dummy starts speaking on its own, it’s all over.
9. Which is worse, scientific arrogance that leads to transforming yourself into a fly, or arrogance that leads to the murder of an innocent ape that accidentally rampages through Manhattan?
+1 for the ape
PETA would be proud.
10. Which horror film would be most improved with the addition of Woody Allen?
+1 for Rosemary’s Baby, don’t you think Mia?
+2 for The Exorcist
Although, he would never have done it due to his concern about being typecast in the early 70’s. A little known fact: In the late 1960s, Woody was often cast as a Catholic priest.
11. The monster in the shadows, or the monster in full view?
+1 in the shadows
See under Lewton, Val.
-1 in plain view
Other than Godzilla and all other giant monsters, I’m always disappointed when I actually see the monster (Alien is one exception. Predator too, but that is an action movie).
12. Most frightening religious sect or cult on film?
+10 for Children of the Corn
See question 3 and sprinkle in corn stalks.
+1 for generic Satanists
I’ve listened to a lot of Black Sabbath albums backwards. I know how scary Satan can be.
13. What’s the best reason for a ghost to get revenge?
+1 for being drowned by Fred Astaire, Melvyn Douglas, Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. and John Houseman.
14. What annoying addition would George Lucas make to Nightmare on Elm Street if he put out a special edition of it?
+1 for CGIing anything and everything
15. Best horror anthology film?
+1 for Tales from the Hood
+2 for Creepshow
+3 for Creepshow 2
+4 for Dead of Night
It’s the granddaddy of the genre, and includes a ventriloquist dummy.
+5 for Trilogy of Terror
Karen Black AND a creepy doll. Also, it proved that you can be scary even within the constraints of network TV.
16. Does all work and no play really make Jack a dull boy?
What do you think?
17. If you unearthed a prehistoric creature with an unknown lifeform attached, would you thaw it out?
+1 if you wouldn’t
But your janitor or handyman would.
18. Who is more empathetic, Chucky or Leatherface?
+1 for Leatherface
If only the Sawyer family’s insurance had paid for a little family counseling…
0 for Chucky
Stupid doll (see question 8).
19. Oliver Reed rules: True or False?
+1 for true!
Although, please note, if he’s a murder suspect in a film–he did it. Also, he’s the only guy who could play a werewolf without make up.
20. Best horror movie of all time?
The correct geek answer should be, “Oh, I can’t answer that. I have too many favorites.”
+1 for any answer
Because if you’ve seen enough horror films to have a favorite, then you deserve another point.
So how did you score? (Be sure to let us know in the comment’s section!)
Here’s where you stack up:
<0 Strawberry Shortcake is more your speed
1-5 What’s new Scooby Doo?
6-10 You think the Monster Squad is a good movie
11-15 You know the Monster Squad is a crap movie
16-20 Every time you see a crucifix you hiss and vomit pea soup
>20 You wish the movie was called The Human Millipede